Archive | February, 2012

Oh Shit I Just Realized…

26 Feb

When we first got married, my wife and I decided to get a dog. Two years later, we decided that the dog needed a dog friend. Then five years later, we decided to have a baby. This progression of decision-making has all but ensured that our son will have two separate, horrifying traumatic losses before he is 8 years old. Nice going dad, you dick.

Our baby will be born sometime in May 2012. Rambo and Lucky, two soft, cuddly, furry animals will afford him hours of play, wet sloppy kisses, falling asleep together on the floor, and warm his innocent little heart, only to get old, smelly, and drop dead at the height of his relationship with them, leading to nightmares, sob attacks, and early onset of depression, or at least a premature existential stoicism usually reserved for marine veterans and that little boy from the Walking Dead.

"He did the right thing, shooting her like that. I would have done that too."

In order to avoid this situation, I suspect my best course of action will be to keep the animals in the house just long enough for him to learn the word “doggy” and then swiftly dispatch them, painlessly, before he can possibly develop any attachment to them.

Alternatively, I can attempt to educate him on the “circle of Life” with hours of repetitive, equally traumatizing viewings of The Lion King, The Neverending Story, and Old Yeller. My god, which is worse?




24 Feb

Top 5 Things You Didn’t Know

21 Feb

1. If you pee in The Matrix, you pee in real life.

2. If you die at Disneyland, your spirit stays there for eternity…bad news is you can’t leave Frontierland. (Haunted Mansion, where all the fun spirits are, is just out of reach in New Orleans square)

3. Every time Newt Gingrich laughs an angel loses its wings.

4. drinking alcohol is the leading cause of fun.

5. The song, “You’re So Vain” was written by Carly Simon to Carly Simon’s teeth.

*Special thanks to TheUglyMoose for inspiring me to create a top 5 list.

Beer Review #3: Ballast Point Brewing Co. “Victory at Sea” Coffee Vanilla Imperial Porter

20 Feb

It’s a good thing that this imperial porter had the legs to stand up to its bloody awesome label. This one has a skeleton sea-captain with an equally skeletal parrot navigating a hurricane. Badass. That image, along with the tantalizing idea of a coffee and vanilla flavored porter from a San Diego microbrewery hooked me, but it was the overall experience of this delicious dessert ale that reeled me in.

ABV: 10% makes this a very potent beverage hence the “Imperial” in the name – essentially meaning its a high gravity brew. At 1 pint 6 oz this may be all you need to get you buzzing.

cost: $8 for a 1 pt, 6 oz (22 fl oz) bottle

Aroma: strong, toasty, almost burnt coffee and dark chocolate

Appearance: This pours like syrup and has a monster, off-white frothy head like say, an enraged ocean engulfing the mast of a ghost pirate vessel. Granted I poured it a little too quick but hey I was excited. Opaque, black body.

Flavor: Sweet of course due to the extra sugars added to this brew, but the sweetness is equally matched by a high level of hops and a heavy smokiness that rushed in giving me a real feel of the complexity. I had to stop what I was doing for a minute and just savor it. “wow that’s really good” I think were the exact words. I know it’s supposed to be coffee vanilla which I definitely tasted, but I couldn’t stop  thinking chocolate.

Palate: Full Body, velvety, creamy with just  the right amount of carbonation to keep it lively and from totally coating the palate.

Pair with: a big cigar

Despite the added flavoring, I think this is a very good example of an Imperial Porter and should be enjoyed in a big  Stein if you’ve got one, otherwise any thick wide-mouthed glass you have such as the mason jar I’m using.

9 out of 10 X’s…X X X X X X X X X

Animal Testing

18 Feb

The Never-Ending Facebook Poking War

17 Feb

I’m in a never-ending Facebook virtual “poking” war with my wife. I don’t know when the hostilities started, and there is no foreseeable end. I  have no exit strategy. Who has the advantage right now is anyone’s guess. All I know is that the more I poke, the more I am poked in turn. And I often ask my self why – Why this senseless violence?

Like actual war, the poking war is of course futile, and hopelessly cyclical.  The war is however a war of affection, in which each poke is a statement saying, “I am flirting with you”. Since she is my wife, and our marriage is based on some reciprocity, I naturally feel the inclination to return this thoughtful gesture. Still, I am unsure to what degree my return poke is from genuine flirtiness, or rather simply an OCD urge to restore order to my disorderly cyber-universe, like a suspended 4th itching for the resolution to the tonic chord (that’s fancy music-talk);  Or rather still, is it just a desire to politely resolve the uncomfortable imbalance inherent in a yet unreturned whimsical declaration of  endearment? After all, not to do so would be like dropping the paddle and walking away from a ping-pong table, a dick move. With respect to my marriage, I find that minimizing the frequency of dick moves is always the best, and most enjoyable route.

Such is the plight of a socially networked human being.

In some way, the same basic principle in the dilemma of the poking war can be found at work in the sad world of the friend request.  Many of us have a growing queue of unanswered friend requests. Even in this vast world of internet life, where such connections are just as often  professional as personal, I still feel the need to be selective in responding to these.  In the logical part of my brain, I know that the person’s emotional investment in the extension of their virtual hand in friendship was impelled by little more than the habitual, glazed-over clicking of the +1 Add Friend button, which appeared to them only as the result of an automatic suggestion, generated coldly and indifferently based on our mutual network, by the minute algorithmic calculations from the faceless, Facebook server. Or SkyNet, I haven’t quite decided.+

In the human part of my brain however, the one innately programmed to empathize, to help old ladies cross the street, and return a majority of high-fives, I naively imagine that little avatar face, floating in virtual space, smiling, waiting hopefully at the computer for my response. “Please,” they say, “Don’t you <like> me? Are we not <friends>? Have you forgotten about our <4 mutual friends>?…our <8 mutual friends>?…even our <16 mutual friends>?

The desire to reciprocate. The uneasy feeling of neglecting a friendship. The fact that those tendencies cultivated over millenia of evolution already find expressions of themselves in this sterile, 2D format – is amazing and fucking terrifying. How else will humans evolve to adapt to our increasingly mediated existence? Maybe we are all..just got poked again BRB…

A Smoker In California

16 Feb

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