Tag Archives: humor


6 May



24 Feb

Top 5 Things You Didn’t Know

21 Feb

1. If you pee in The Matrix, you pee in real life.

2. If you die at Disneyland, your spirit stays there for eternity…bad news is you can’t leave Frontierland. (Haunted Mansion, where all the fun spirits are, is just out of reach in New Orleans square)

3. Every time Newt Gingrich laughs an angel loses its wings.

4. drinking alcohol is the leading cause of fun.

5. The song, “You’re So Vain” was written by Carly Simon to Carly Simon’s teeth.

*Special thanks to TheUglyMoose http://theuglymoose.wordpress.com/ for inspiring me to create a top 5 list.

Animal Testing

18 Feb

The Never-Ending Facebook Poking War

17 Feb

I’m in a never-ending Facebook virtual “poking” war with my wife. I don’t know when the hostilities started, and there is no foreseeable end. I  have no exit strategy. Who has the advantage right now is anyone’s guess. All I know is that the more I poke, the more I am poked in turn. And I often ask my self why – Why this senseless violence?

Like actual war, the poking war is of course futile, and hopelessly cyclical.  The war is however a war of affection, in which each poke is a statement saying, “I am flirting with you”. Since she is my wife, and our marriage is based on some reciprocity, I naturally feel the inclination to return this thoughtful gesture. Still, I am unsure to what degree my return poke is from genuine flirtiness, or rather simply an OCD urge to restore order to my disorderly cyber-universe, like a suspended 4th itching for the resolution to the tonic chord (that’s fancy music-talk);  Or rather still, is it just a desire to politely resolve the uncomfortable imbalance inherent in a yet unreturned whimsical declaration of  endearment? After all, not to do so would be like dropping the paddle and walking away from a ping-pong table, a dick move. With respect to my marriage, I find that minimizing the frequency of dick moves is always the best, and most enjoyable route.

Such is the plight of a socially networked human being.

In some way, the same basic principle in the dilemma of the poking war can be found at work in the sad world of the friend request.  Many of us have a growing queue of unanswered friend requests. Even in this vast world of internet life, where such connections are just as often  professional as personal, I still feel the need to be selective in responding to these.  In the logical part of my brain, I know that the person’s emotional investment in the extension of their virtual hand in friendship was impelled by little more than the habitual, glazed-over clicking of the +1 Add Friend button, which appeared to them only as the result of an automatic suggestion, generated coldly and indifferently based on our mutual network, by the minute algorithmic calculations from the faceless, Facebook server. Or SkyNet, I haven’t quite decided.+

In the human part of my brain however, the one innately programmed to empathize, to help old ladies cross the street, and return a majority of high-fives, I naively imagine that little avatar face, floating in virtual space, smiling, waiting hopefully at the computer for my response. “Please,” they say, “Don’t you <like> me? Are we not <friends>? Have you forgotten about our <4 mutual friends>?…our <8 mutual friends>?…even our <16 mutual friends>?

The desire to reciprocate. The uneasy feeling of neglecting a friendship. The fact that those tendencies cultivated over millenia of evolution already find expressions of themselves in this sterile, 2D format – is amazing and fucking terrifying. How else will humans evolve to adapt to our increasingly mediated existence? Maybe we are all..just got poked again BRB…

A Smoker In California

16 Feb

“MTV’s THE STATE”s Super-Famous Michael Ian Black Will Drop a Load…of Relationship Wisdom in New Book

13 Feb

That’s right, a new book from THE Michael Ian Black.  Anyone? Bueller?

It truly amazes me that the stone-faced, cynically funny, bitterly unfamous Michael Ian Black isn’t more famous.  For having starred in a hit, hit sketch comedy series on MTV (that you should watch)  as recently as the late 90’s, as well as the phenomenally popular shows “Stella” and “Michael and Michael Have Issues”, appearing in the 2001 cult comedy film Wet Hot American Summer, countless Sierra Mist commercials, and having co-written 3, count em 3 children’s books…clearly he should be up for a lifetime achievement award, and if not someone should be indicted. Did I mention he also has HIS VERY OWN PODCAST, (the medium which, next to the blog, is the height of media-crity), Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, where he and his friend Tom eat snacks? uh, yeah. They could literally be on the air right now, him and his friend Tom, eating snacks, and you are missing it.

As I must assume you are now sufficiently impressed by the comedian’s body of work, you will be thrilled that his new book, You’re Not Doing It Right: Tales Of Marriage, Sex, Death, And Other Humiliations, hits shelves Feb 28. I know, not in time for Valentine’s Day. Bummer.

I, like you, will need an advent calendar filled with cheap, chalky, flavorless chocolate hearts to count the days until the book’s unceremonial release. Not that I actually feel I need relationship advice, but I am dying to read relationship advice if it comes from the guy who recently responded to an A/V Club reader’s question asking if money can really buy love with, “…Also, money can buy so much awesome shit that it lessens the need for love.” and to a question about balancing kids with romance, suggesting, “The other thing you can do is give away some of your kids.” As far as I’m concerned, the dejected, bitter sarcasm of Black kicks that of the other stone-faced “Black” comedian (Lewis Black) in the dejected, stone-faced balls.

Disclaimer: Mr. Black paid me very little money to write this glowing preview of his upcoming book, and I am in no way being held captive in his poolhouse chained naked to a laptop with a Bengal Tiger drooling 3 inches from my face. That said, someone please call the police, just to be safe.

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